Being Alive (Barson)
by TinyBoxTink
Summary: Since Raul Esparza, the actor who plays Rafael Barba, originated this role and his voice is on the soundtrack and fits PERFECTLY with Oliva- at least I think so- I couldn't resist. WAS going to be a one-shot, but I got requests for a second chapter, and now I have an idea for a couple more so STAY TUNED!
1. Chapter 1

Olivia closed Noah's door, poured herself the usual glass of wine and picked up her phone. She scrolled through her Spotify and hit a track, letting it's melancholy orchestra fill the living room. She didn't know why, but this song just spoke to her. Something about the singer's voice felt…familiar; safe. She closed her eyes and hummed along.

 _Someone to hold me too close._

 _Someone to hurt me too deep._

 _Someone to sit in my chair,_

 _And ruin my sleep,_

 _And make me aware,_

 _Of being alive._

 _Being alive._

She thought about Ed, wondered what he might be doing at that very moment, while she sat alone in her living room. What he would've been doing if she hadn't ended things in that very room.

 _Someone you have to let in,_ _  
_ _Someone whose feelings you spare,_ _  
_ _Someone who, like it or not,_ _  
_ _Will want you to share_ _  
_ _A little, a lot._

She had done it for noble reasons; at least that's what she kept telling herself. Noah needed her full attention, it wasn't fair to Ed. To her. To either of them. She didn't push him away, she set him free. Free to…live.

Then her thoughts drifted farther back, before Ed. In the "alone" times, as they were. The "off" season; but before that…Brian.

 _Somebody need me too much._

 _Somebody know me too well._

God, Brian. He could make her so angry, then with a flash of that smile or a smart-ass line, make her crack up into laughter and forget why she was even angry in the first place. He could make her blood boil in both good and bad ways, things with him were never…boring.

That is, until they were. And when they got "Boring", had she just cut and run? At the time she told herself that they both "outgrew" the relationship. But had they really? Maybe they just both grew UP, and that scared her. Maybe she needed the "fire", the "Chaos" that being with someone like Brian promised.

 _Somebody pull me up short,_

 _And put me through hell,_

 _And give me support,_

 _For being alive._

 _Make me alive._

 _ **Make me alive.**_

Thinking about Brian, the memories of "the good ol' days" flooding back; it always inevitably led to thoughts of one other person: Elliot.

 _Make me confused._

 _Mock me with praise._

 _Let me be used._

 _Vary my days._

It was then that she happened to notice the salty droplets plopping into her wine glass, and she realized she was crying.

Why was she crying? Was she unhappy? She was in the prime of her life; she ran a highly esteemed department of the NYPD, she saved lives every day. She had a beautiful little boy, wonderful friends; her life was full.

Wasn't it?

 _But alone,_

 _Is alone,_

 _Not alive._

She closed her eyes once again and breathed in deeply, wiping the stray tears from her face. Then back out with a throaty sigh—she had to get a grip on her emotions. Can't wake Noah, can't wake Noah.

Why did she keep pushing these men away, how did she always end up alone? More importantly, why did she continue to let it happen?

All these years, all these men. It was just…easier, to be alone. No expectations, no disappointments. That was why, and she knew it. But she wasn't who she was twenty years ago, hell she wasn't the same person she was a year ago.

She really thought that with Ed she had gotten it right, she had gotten over her fear. She was completely fine planning a future with him, she WANTED to build a future with him. With Noah. A perfect family, right out of a Hallmark card.

So why did she run? Was he not everything she had dreamed of? Everything she had planned as the "Right" man? Maybe that wasn't it.

Maybe, she needed all three of these men—they each individually brought out the best parts of her: DC, Brian….Elliot.

But wanting the "perfect" guy, mixed from a bunch of exes, this was reality; not some Rom Com. Guys like that aren't fabricated out of thin air, wished into existence.

 _*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*_

Olivia's head spun towards her door; had she really just heard that? As if on cue, had her silent prayers been instantly answered? She didn't believe in one Higher Power, but this was kind of a unforgivable evidence.

She cautiously walked to the door and looked through the peephole. Of course….

 _Somebody let me come through,_

 _I'll always be there,_

 _As frightened as you,_

 _To help us survive,_

"Hey Liv, I'm sorry to just come by like this but I had a date cancel in the area, and I thought we might crack this bottle of wine I brought along…." He rattled of an explanation in a haphazard tone, his Armani suit drenched by the rain and covered in an even more soaked trench coat.

"…You mean to tell me someone _dared_ to stand up the incomparable ADA, Rafael Barba?" She quipped with a wry smile.

"I uh…. I may have seen her and ran the other way. Pretty sure I was old enough to be her father," He chuckled, still standing in the doorway. He peered inside as he lowered his voice:

"I'm sorry, is Noah even asleep yet? I shouldn't have just dropped by, I don't know what I was thinking I just—" He shook his head and he started to walk away. Before she knew what she was doing, her hand grabbed his and pulled him back towards her. Their eyes both darted towards their now interlocking fingers; did he feel it too?

"No no no you're fine—he just went down," She assured him, gesturing inside her apartment.

"A drink sounds wonderful"

Barba's face relaxed into a warm smile, a smile Olivia had never really noticed before; it made her feel…. safe.

"God, he is a GREAT singer, isn't he?" Barba nodded towards her phone where the song was coming to an end.

Olivia nodded as she went into the kitchen to get a bottle opener and another wine glass.

"Yeah, I guess he's alright…." She shrugged with an amused grin. THIS is what it felt like, this is what she missed…. feeling alive.

 _Being alive._

 _Being alive._

 _Being alive!_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

Rafael removed his soaking wet jackets and placed them gently over the sink.

"Don't want to ruin these gorgeous countertops," he explained, gesturing to her marble filled kitchen.

"Please, I have a son—those countertops NEVER stay clean," She chuckled.

She watched Raffa as he walked across the kitchen and pulled a bottle opener from a drawer without so much as a hesitation. He was so familiar with her place, her world; Her. He popped open the bottle and then proceeded to fetch two wine glasses from her freezer; she liked to drink her wine instantly chilled. Most guys gave her a hard time about it, saying something about broken glass in her freezer being a hazard; but never him. He actually said it was genius; it was like they were cut from the same cloth.

"Madame," He said with a pompous accent, handing her a glass. "What shall we toast to?"

"To ruined dates," She smirked; "If not for them this night would've been effectively much more boring,"

"To ruined dates then!" He grinned, clinking their glasses together. "So, what else would make this a lively evening?" He asked with a mischievous grin, walking back into her living room and sitting on the sofa.

"Honestly Raffa, no evening with you could be boring," She said while crossing the room and joining him on the sofa. Even in the dim light, she swore she saw him begin to blush.

"Well thank you Liv, you're too kind," He shrugged sheepishly, and they both fell into silence. Not awkward silence, just…. comfortable silence. Like they didn't need to say anything to fill the room, they were perfectly content just being in the presence of one another. Finally, Rafa cleared his throat and turned closer to Olivia.

"Actually, Liv there is something I wanted to talk to you about…" was his voice trembling?

"….What's that?" She asked, taking a gulp of her wine. Why was SHE nervous all of a sudden?

"I…. I need to be standing for this," He took a deep breath raising to his feet. He took several more seconds to breathe in and out before he spoke again.

'"I…well, this is sort of embarrassing but I've—I've heard things," he gripped the back of his neck nervously.

"H-Heard things? About me? How? Why?" Her voice was rising unintentionally, the small amount of panic creeping up.

"I just, I may have asked around about you; after our first case together," he continued, now looking at the floor.

"I…. You….Why?" she was floored; was this actually happening?

"I think you _know_ why, sergeant," he chuckled, shuffling his feet back and forth. Now she was the one to feel her face flush.

"…. Okay, coming back to that…. what did you 'hear' about me?" she asked.

"I….um, well—that you liked to keep your dating life 'in the family'…."

"In the family? What the hell does that….Oh. OH." Now she could feel her flush going from embarrassed to forming rage.

"I know, and I just…I don't know, believed it? And then I got to know you, how wonderful you are as a person, a sergeant, a mother. But I always thought back to that first assumption and I just, I never wanted to ruin anything." His voice dropped even more while he gripped his wine glass like it was a security blanket.

"…. Does this story have a point Raffa? Did you really just come all the way over to warn me about gossip in the DA's office?" She felt the rage in her voice and knew it was a little premature, but seriously?

"N-No! No, I….I'm sorry, I just…I had a point. I'm sorry, I should just go," he made his way back to the front door, totally forgetting his outerwear. She sighed and trailed behind him, grabbing his hand once again preventing his exit.

"No, Raffa I'M sorry. Look, just…say what you're trying to say," she turned him around, not dropping his hand in hers.

"I…. I like you Liv. I have since the day we met. God it sounds so juvenile when I say it out loud like that,"

"Kind of; did you bring me a check yes or no note?" He dropped her hand after that comment; god Olivia read the room!

"I'm sorry I'm sorry you're having a moment here. So…you haven't ever said anything to me because I….'keep it in the family'? Shouldn't that have made you more comfortable? You're apart of that family Rafael." She ran her hand across his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

"Yeah, I know, but that's…. kind of the point, I guess. I guess I always just thought it was your MO, like—dating the DA's was your…. thing," he shrugged.

"ONE ADA, one! Jesus, what are we actually IN jr high?!" again her tone went three octaves higher than she intended.

"Ok see this is why I should've never said anything," he threw his hands up in defeat, once again stepping towards the door.

"No, no…it's not your fault. Entirely,"

"Anyway, I just…I wanted to tell you so many times; I thought I had inadvertently, and when you didn't respond I just figured I wasn't good enough for you. But these past few months, I don't know; I've felt…different,"

Olivia's expression fell softer; she knew this diatribe had a point.

"I-It's stupid, I know. Classic 'nice guy' act huh? I think we're getting closer romantically and you just consider me a 'great friend', and now I've ruined it by pulling the veil off the charade. I'm stupid, it's stupid. I should just—"

"Will you stop with this? You didn't do anything wrong! You can stop with the word vomit; sip your wine and actually listen to me before you start spiraling, okay?" Olivia's hand playfully covered his mouth, saving him from himself.

"Okay: Yes, I do tend to have a habit about dating guys….'in the family'," she used air quotes and rolled her eyes.

"But it's not like I plan it that way. This is just the most consuming job; I literally have no time to meet men outside of work," she saw Raff nod in agreement, so she went on.

"….But also, I've realized….you're different. You're not like any other cop, detective, ONE ADA…."

"Ah. I get it. So, not your type, like you said…." He said softly, as if he was chastising himself.

"Upupup! Let me finish…. it's a good thing you're not like them, individually. You're like all of them, rolled into one," She reassured him, this time she used both arms around both his shoulders so that he would look at her.

"…Really?" his head slowly raised, his puppy dog face was truly like no other man she had ever met. So pitiful but so powerful.

"Yeah, really. I….I like you, Rafael." She snorted hearing the words leave her lips.

"God you're right! Sounds totally right out of a Sweet Valley High book," She threw her hands up in amusement.

After a few moments of actual awkward silence, this time it was Rafa's turn to gently take Olivia's hand in his.

"…Wanna go grab a milkshake down at the sock hop?" He asked with a cheeky grin. There he was, there was the cocky Raffa she knew.

"I think I'd settle for finishing this wine while watching TV—I've got Unsolved Mysteries saved in my watchlist," She giggled; What was that? She didn't giggle…god WAS this a Sweet Valley High story?

"Oooh! I love it, always makes me feel better we're not the only ones to let cases fall through the cracks," his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas.

"Exactly," she nodded.

They both returned to the couch while Olivia turned on Unsolved Mysteries; slowly, carefully, she lowered her head until it gently landed on Rafael's head. She felt him tense in surprise, but then a satisfying sigh came from his lips as he readjusted himself and draped his arm around her.

"See? Told you. Never a boring night with Rafael Barba," she teased, snuggling closer into his chest.

This, she mused, was bliss.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"…Mommy?"

Noah's tiny voice suddenly shot Olivia awake. Wait, awake? Was she asleep? When did she fall asleep? The last thing she remembered was finishing off the wine bottle, watching Unsolved Mysteries and snuggling with….her head spun to her left, to see a still resting Rafael. Then came the observation that it was indeed, light outside. And the even more disturbing revelation that now her kid son had found her, asleep on a couch with a man. Crap….

"I…um, sweetie! Uncle Rafa was just leaving…." She softly but thoroughly shook Rafael awake, his eyes fluttered open and his face went from blissful smile, to panic when he realized what he had just woken up to.

"Oh…OH….H-Heyyyyy, Noah buddy! Yeah, I was just, your mom and I were just hanging out and I guess we both fell asleep!" His voice sounded about two octaves higher when he panicked, but she had to admit even in a half-asleep state he still came up with defenses like a swift tiger. A sexy tiger…OKAY, Olivia. You need to focus on the situation at hand here.

"OH-Kayyy! Like I said Uncle Rafa was just leaving…." Olivia leapt from the couch to retrieve Rafael's jackets, meeting him at the door.

"Yup, Yup I sure was, gotta get to work! Thank you Olivia, for a very nice….hanging out," Barba's eyes furrowed, disappointed in himself with such shoddy vocabulary.

"Anytime, Rafa….anytime," She smiled with a wink. She quickly mouthed "I'll text you" as he winked back and headed down the hall.

"Okay! I think it's time for us to get ready for school my sweet boy!" Olivia closed the door and spun around, grabbing Noah in her arms and blowing a raspberry on his tummy.

"Mama, you're silly!" Noah giggled incessantly, tousling Olivia's hair. "We don't have school today, remember?"

Shit. SHIT. Olivia remembered now; it was a teacher in-service day, and Lucy had an exam at her Community College today, so she was getting ready to call around for sitters when…Rafael showed up at her door.

"Oh! Right! Of course. Well….I…I guess you're coming to work with mommy for the morning!" She smiled, trying to mask the panic that was rising in her chest.

"Yaaaay! Can I wear my big boy suit? So I can look like Uncle Rafa and Uncle Carisi?"

"Of course you can, big boy. But you have to promise to treat it like a big boy suit—no messy food on it, and no getting dirty, okay?"

"Okay mommy! Can I eat breakfast before I put it on then?"

"Yeah, yes Noah I'll fix your cereal and then I'm gonna jump in the shower. Ready?" Olivia held out her hands palms up, Noah giggled and slapped his on hers.

"BREAK!" They both yelled joyfully breaking into giggles, then trotted over to the kitchen.

This was going to be some kind of day….

Olivia hurried out of the elevator, coffee in one hand Noah in the other.

Ok sweetie, remember what we said? You sit in my office and color, and when mama gets off work we're gonna go eat ice cream for dinner!"

"Yaaay!" Noah cheered, running towards Liv's office. Sure, it was a horrible mom move, but this way she KNEW Noah would be good.

She watched as Fin rose from his desk and give Noah a high five. Oh no no no…..

"Hey little man! Looking SHARP," Fin smiled, giving Noah a high five.

Live quickly sauntered over, trying to keep a calm demeanor.

"Baby boy remember what we said? Straight to my office…" She smiled, nodding towards her door.

"Mama, Fin likes my big boy suit!" He exclaimed happily. "I wanted to look like Uncle Rafa, hey mama next time can Uncle Fin sleep over?" He asked innocently. Crap. CRAP.

"….Next time? Uncle Rafa? Did Uncle Rafa sleep over last night Noah?" Fin asked, raising an eyebrow at Olivia.

"ALRIGHT, Noah, my office—now, please!" Olivia hurried Noah off into her office with his backpack in tow, and quickly shut the door.

"Liv, what are you doing?!" Fin asked, throwing his hands up.

"Will you keep your voice down, Fin?!" Olivia said through gritted teeth, making sure no one was listening. "Look, he came over last night and we drank wine and watched Unsolved Mysteries. We fell asleep, that's ALL. Okay?"

"Let's say I believe that—"

"Fin! Come on! How long have you known me?"

"Long enough to know where this is going,"

"Et tu, Brute? God does EVERYONE here think I'm the office bicycle?"

"Whoa whoa I was joking, what are YOU talking about?"

"….Last night, Barba DID come over to tell me—" she took a long breath. "That he had feelings for me,"

"And…?"

"And that he had asked around about me after we first met, and the verdict was that I like to keep my dating life…'in the family'," She sighed, thinking back to those words. Coming from Barba, even if he was apologizing, really pierced her. It hurt even more that he used that as a reason not to be with her; but that was then. They were both living in the now, uncharted territory.

"In the family? The hell—of course you do!" Fin shook his head.

"Gee THANKS, Fin," she scoffed.

"No, No I mean….look, Liv this job—it becomes your whole life. All of us; our dating pool is very limited; it's fellow cops, or victims or rapists. We ALL do it, they can't single you out like that. Who was it? I'll make 'em see the light," Finn cracked his knuckles like an overprotective brother.

"I don't know, Rafa didn't say. But…look, that doesn't matter I just—"

"Actually….it might," Fin sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"W-What are you talking about….?" Liv's expression fell.

"Not here," Fin took her hand leading her into one of the interrogation rooms and quickly shutting the door.

Olivia's heart sank into her gut. Well, at least she had ONE night of happiness…..


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Fin, you're really making me nervous here"

"Look, Liv I really, REALLY shouldn't be saying anything but—you've been my friend a long time, and this bullshit won't stand!" Fin roared, shaking his fist.

"….What bullshit?" Olivia asked.

"Look somehow I got copied into this memo that was sent around the higher ups; the Chief, Dodds. He…."

"He…?" Olivia gestured for him to finish.

"He's trying to push you out and replace you with me," Fin sighed.

Olivia scoffed, half in disbelief half in anger.

"On what grounds?

"You've just….you've had a hard year," Fin muttered.

"A hard year? Oh you mean me being investigated by CPS, held hostage by his nanny's other family, almost losing my son first to the courts and the next to his psycho grandmother?!" Olivia's hands were shaking.

"Yeah, and look I know none of that was your fault. It's just…it's taken it's toll. You shouldn't have to constantly be attacked, or stressed, AND have to worry about all of us," Fin tried to comfort her.

"Meaning, I CAN'T do all that and worry about you? Fin do you think he's right?" Olivia wasn't having it, this was bullshit.

"Hell no, of course not! Why do you think I'm coming out in front of this? I've seen you been a badass for almost 20 years now; if anything, you can handle a lot MORE,"

"Then why are you the only one who thinks so?" Olivia sighed, sinking into a chair. She put her head between her hands and breathed hard, in and out. She didn't want to cry, that would prove all those pricks down at 1PP right: That she was too "womanly" to do a "man's job".

"I'm not, I'm the only one who thinks so out of who got that memo. Nobody who DOESN'T think that didn't get it, I'll tell you that. If Carisi or Rollins knew about this you know they'd start raising hell," Fin pointed out.

"…What about Rafael?" She asked, afraid to know the answer.

"I…well, he—" Fin stammered.

"FIN—Please," Olivia pressed him.

Fin once again rubbed his neck nervously and looked at the ground. "He was pasted in the memo,"

"….How could—why did he—is THAT why he-?" Olivia felt sick to her stomach.

"But look Olivia like I said I just got pasted into the original message, I didn't see any of the replies or anything. I'm SURE he said something on your behalf,"

"Then why wouldn't he say anything? Fin we ALMOST—"

"I KNOW, and that's why I'M saying something. Look Barba's probably not even thinking about anything else than whatever happened last night; and he should be able to—lord knows he did his penance,"

"…Penance?"

"Olivia, I KNOW you're aren't blind or stupid. You're telling me you haven't noticed that man has had a crush on you since DAY ONE?"

"I….well…he DID say that last night. I just, I mean I guess I saw it but he never said anything!" Oliva sighed.

"Well you're the office bicycle, maybe he thought he couldn't handle your wild ass," Fin laughed, trying to ease the tension. "Who KNOWS what kind of wild sex things you learned from Cassidy!" Fin teased.

"FIN TUTUOLA, you are….so right. But shut up," Olivia was blushing so hard she thought her face would melt. Fin always knew how to make her smile, she loved that about him. But the thought of Rafa not being the one to tell her about this; it still plagued her.

Suddenly the noise of the door opening made them both jump as Rollins poked her head in.

"Hey, if ya'll are done having a pow wow in here, Barba's here about the missing girl,"

Fin told her they'd be right out, and when she left, he turned to Olivia. "You sure you can handle this right now?"

"I mean, I kinda have to! Especially if I'm being watched by the "pricks at 1PP"—including Rafael," she sighed sadly, walking out into the squad room. He looked so precious, his Armani suit and his salmon tie; no, not now Olivia

"How can we help you counselor?" She asked coldly.

"I…um well, I got a list of suspects and witnesses from the girl's parents, where she was last seen and everything. I figured you guys can down the list, narrow down the suspects," Rafael gestured to a piece of paper in his hand, looking confused.

"Right. Because that's what we do, right? 1PP's dirty work, all you have to do is show up in the suit," Olivia scoffed.

"W-Wha-Liv can we…?" Barba's eyes furrowed in confusion and sadness.

"Yeah fine, but not my office Noah's in there," Olivia sighed.

"Noah…?" Rafael asked quizzically.

"YES, Rafael. Noah didn't have school today, and I forgot to call a sitter, so now my motherhood has ONCE AGAIN interfered with my work." She could feel her voice rising, but she couldn't help it. She noticed Carisi and Rollins staring at her in shock, Fin was nodding a vigorous "NO."

"Just…come on," She headed back into the interrogation room, Barba trailing behind her. As soon as the door closed Barba started in on her.

"WHAT in the HELL was that? Is this because Noah found us sleeping? Look I'm sorry we fell asleep but—"

"NO Rafael, it's not that. Although, that's never gonna happen again. Period."

"W-What? Why? You mean the sleeping over? Or…us?" Rafa's voice lowered back to a soft, hurt tone.

"That depends," Olivia sighed. "Did you get a memo from 1PP?"

"Wha-how do you, who told you about that?"

"OH my god, you did! How could you come to my house, tell me you have FEELINGS for me, that you care deeply about me, and not let me know that my job is on the line! More importantly, if 1PP finds out about "us", don't you think that's only going to give them more ammo to oust me? Do you even CARE?" She didn't care if she was yelling at this point; she was angry. She was HURT.

"Okay, look. I get that you're upset, I do. But I didn't want to put the burden of worrying about you being, 'ousted'; because I won't let it happen. EVER. And as for 'us' being ammo….yeah, I—I did think about that. But for once in my life I chose to follow my feelings over logic; I came over last night and you just looked so…beautiful, and I lost my head. I didn't plan to just lay it all out there it just…happened. But Liv, as God as my witness nothing about "us", or any other bullshit they try and pull, I won't let it happen," Rafa finished his speech by walking towards her and taking her hand in his. She wanted to believe him, she really did. But she had to think logically, for Noah.

"Rafa….I….I believe you, but—I don't think you can just make the decision. And I….I think they might use 'us' as ammo, no matter what you think. And I can't be a jobless single mom, I just can't,"

"So, that's just it? You get scared at the slightest bump in the road, and that's just IT?" Now it was Rafa's turn to get angry.

"That's NOT—" Olivia started, but he wasn't hearing it.

"That IS what you're doing, Liv! This is exactly why I never said anything, why I SHOULDN'T have said anything!"

"Rafael, please…" She gripped his hand, and her heart broke when she saw stray tears in his eyes; they matched her own. She just wanted to stop him from hurting; before she knew what was happening, she found herself moving closer to him, her hands moved up to his face. She gingerly put her thumbs across his eyelids, wiping away his tears. Slowly, she pressed her lips against his in a soft kiss. Almost immediately, Rafa pulled away and turned from her.

"No…." He whispered, sniffing back more tears. "I'm not doing this. Look if you don't wanna do my 'dirty work', I'll interview the suspects myself. Noah's a lot to handle, wouldn't want the big bosses to think you can't handle it all," He said with a sarcastic snark, refusing to look at her. Before she could say anything else, he walked out of the room.

She felt the air leave her chest, as if someone just punched her in the gut. WHY did she always do this? WHY? She couldn't let herself be happy for ONE second, and now…she had never seen Rafael like that. EVER. And she caused it….before she could stop herself she collapsed into sobs, only stopping when she felt Fin's hands on her shoulders.

"Olivia…Liv! Liv!" He called.

Olivia looked up into Fin's eyes, how long was she out? "W-What?" She sniffled.

"Noah's asking about lunch….what the hell happened? Rafael stormed out of here saying something about doing our jobs, and then you sat in here for an hour. I thought you went with him, but then I heard you crying in here. So, What. Happened?"

"I….he….I pushed him away, Fin. I pushed him away like I ALWAYS do. Why…WHY did I….why do I…." she sniffled unable to finish her thought.

"Look, Liv I'm sure he knows you don't mean it. And as long as he's waited for you…he won't just give up that easy, believe me. He…I think he might really love you," Fin tried to make her feel better, he hated seeing her cry.

"…Yeah?" she sniffled again, a sad small smile creeping across her face.

"Yeah." Fin smiled, wiping her tears away.

Once again they were interrupted, but this time it was Carisi and he looked panicked.

"What's wrong Carisi?"

"I…Rollins just called. She went with Barba to interview the suspects," He explained. Olivia's face went white.

"What happened?!" Olivia demanded.

"I….they were at the boyfriend's house and he went nuts and—"

"CARISI. WHAT. HAPPENED?!"

"….Barba's been shot," he said in a somber tone.

And just like that, everything went black.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** _I just wanted to thank each and every reader of this story. What started out as a one shot fic has grown into so much more, and that's solely because of you. So when you think leaving a review or a kind word about the story, or what I can do better, please do. They honestly keep me going._

 _ALSO, in case anyone was wondering—I wrote this in the timeline of AFTER Gone Baby Gone, but everything in this story is not canon, except for the checking on Liv, which was discussed at the end of GBG. This is my interpretation of what Dodd's meant in that memo, and no—we will NOT be getting rid of Barba, which unfortunately is….:deep sigh: now canon. I know today is a hard day for us Barba lovers and Barson shippers, so it's another reason I'm glad I have this, my own little SVU world, where Barba and Benson can be together forever._

 _Again, thank you for sticking around and I'll do my best to keep this story great for as long as I can. 3_

 **Chapter Five:**

"Liv….LIV. OLIVIA!"

Olivia's eyes fluttered open to see Fin shaking her and Carisi holding a bottle of water.

"Here, Sergeant. Drink this," Carisi handed her the water bottle; she slowly sipped it when she remembered:

"….N-Noah? Where's Noah?" her eyes darted around the squad room.

"We called Lucy to come get him, her test was over. He's safe," Carisi assured her.

"Now about you…." Fin helped her up off the flor.

"I-I'm fine." She took a breath, still sipping the water. "Actually no, no I'm not. We have to go. NOW,"

"Where are we going?" Fin asked raising his eyebrows.

"THE HOSPITAL, Fin! Barba needs us,"

"Are you sure that's a good idea, Liv?" His eyebrows waved up and down in a suggestive manner.

"Are you FUCKING kidding me right now, Fin? If it was ANYONE else we'd already be on our way!"

"….You right, you right….Alright but someone needs to stay here…." Fin looked at Carisi's puppy dog eyes, he knew how much he cared for Barba. "I guess I'll stay here,"

"Thank you, Fin,"

"But Liv….he's JUST your ADA,"

"Right…..yeah of course he is," Olivia sniffled, remembering the last conversation her and Rafa had. This was her fault; he went because he was mad at her. Oh god. OH GOD…..She felt faint again.

"Whoa whoa there, Sergeant, you sure you're ok?" Carisi rubbed her shoulders and pushed the bottle towards her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine Carisi. It's just…Barba, he….he's one of my best friends," She finally said with a heavy sigh. It wasn't a lie; Rafael had probably been her best friend for years now; well, at least one of them; higher up than most of them. She felt hot tears sting the back of her eyes; she quickly pulled herself together and followed Carisi to his car.

"NO, Olivia—you will not lose it right now. You don't know anything's too bad, think positive," she told herself.

 **-At The Hospital—**

Olivia and Carisi rushed to the nurse's desk, only to be met with Rollins; she was covered in blood.

"Amanda….oh my god," Carisi held her shaking body. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah no I'm fine it's all Barba's blood." Amanda answered with a trembling voice.

"Barba, is he….is he-?" Olivia felt tears choke her throat again.

"No, No the doctor's said it was a clean shot through and through, his shoulder….he might be out of commission for a bit but he's stable, he's gonna be fine,"

"Where is he?" Olivia didn't waste any time. She needed to see him herself, to know that he was ok with her own eyes.

"He's in room 224, I was just waiting for you to get here; I really need to talk to the Police and then I really need a shower, these clothes are making me wanna heave," Rollins pointed to her sweat and bloody clothes with a disgusted groan.

"I'll go with you, Sergeant you…..you take care of Barba for us in the meantime, yeah? You'll tell him I was here?" Olivia had to smile at Carisi's admiration of Barba; it was like a puppy to his master.

"Yeah, I'll tell him Carisi" Olivia chuckled.

"Thanks" His face lit up.

"Oh and Liv? Will you tell him, thank you for saving my life?" Rollins asked with a sad smile.

"Of course," Olivia nodded.

Olivia peeked open the door of room 224, to see a sleeping Barba hooked up to machines. He looked so…small, so helpless; It broke her heart. She creaked open the door a little more, the sound caused Rafa's eyes to flutter open. To her relief, his face melted into a smile, motioning her in.

"Liv…." He whispered.

"Rafa…."

And just like that, Olivia lost all composure she had been holing onto for what seemed like forever. She collapsed onto Rafael's bed, throwing her arms around him and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Ah! Ah…Liv, shoulder….cathether…." Rafa gasped, half laughing at the situation.

"Oh! Sorry, I'm so sorry," Olivia jumped away from him, her sobs stifling down.

"Well, I didn't mean you had to move that far away…come here," He patted next to him on the bed. This time, she gently sat down as he put his non injured arm around her and pulled her closer into him.

"I'm so sorry, Rafa. I'm so sorry…." She whispered, burying her face into his neck.

"Shhh, shhh shhh it's okay, you didn't do anything. I was the one being stubborn,"

"No, it's my fault. I should have NEVER thought you had ill will towards me, or that you'd do anything to jeopardize my job. I just, I have trouble trusting people and I just…it was a knee jerk reaction, and I'm sorry,"

"You? Olivia Benson? Trust issues? I'm shocked," Barba faked a gasp with a cheeky smile.

"Shut up, you know what I meant. And….and that kiss…."

"Was amazing. I'm an idiot for ending it so soon, probably why I got shot; Karma!"

"Well, we could always try it again…." Olivia raised her eyebrows, looking down at his lips.

"I am a wounded man, it would definitely make me feel better," Rafa smiled, licking his lips. She moved towards him, running fingers through his hair as once again she lightly pressed her lips against his; except this time, he kissed back—HARD. He used his one free hand to put on her face, pulling her closer as his tongue entered her mouth. It was the most perfect kiss, high up on ranking for the both of them, when all of a sudden:

"AHEM"

A loud, audible clearing of the throat knocked them from their own world, and they both turned to see the figure, arms crossed and a furious look on his face.

"C-Captain Dodds!" Olivia exclaimed, jumping off the bed.

Crap.

"Sergeant, a word?" He half growled, pointing into the hall. She looked over at Rafa, who was glaring at Dodds so hard she thought he'd catch on fire.

"I…Um, yeah of course," Olivia nodded, squeezing Barba's hand with a sad smile and then headed out the door with Dodd's quickly trailing her.

"What, in the hell was THAT?" He was pissed, but people started to stare, so he dragged her further down the hall.

"I'm sorry Captain, I didn't realize I had to run all my personal life decisions past you," she said sarcastically.

"Cut the crap; you know out of all the shit I've had to put up with you these past months…." Dodd's said with a stern tone.

"Excuse me?" Olivia raised her eyebrows.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about; Lewis, Noah, Shelia Burke, and now you're banging the ADA that works all of your cases?! Christ Olivia, how can I trust the verdicts on any cases he's handled now?" he hissed.

"WHOA, no no no no. You do NOT get to question Rafael's….Barba's, judgement. What you saw, just happened. Today. I have not been 'banging him'—and I'm sorry but everything you just named happened _**to**_ me, as in out of my control," Olivia tried to keep from yelling, but he was not dragging Rafa into this.

"No, they didn't. YOU chose to go after William Lewis, YOU let Shelia Burke into your life, and now YOU are screwing your ADA,"

"STOP SAYING THAT. We have NOT had sex!" she growled.

"Fine, you're….'seeing' your ADA, which if you'll recall, didn't really work out for you the last time. Or anytime really, that you've dated inside the family," Dodd's added slyly.

Inside the family? What the hell?!

"In the….oh my god, YOU started those rumors!" she scoffed angrily.

"Oh please Olivia, like I have time to make up office bullshit. I overheard some laywers talking about it in the breakroom. I believe Barba was in on the conversation…" Dodd's said with a cruel smile.

"STOP it, Dodds," Olivia warned.

"No, YOU better stop it. Now. Your judgement is seriously being evaluated right now, Benson. If I were you, and I actually liked working at SVU, I'd do anything to keep it. No matter how good someone looks in a suit,"

"With all due respect, Captain; go to hell," Olivia snarled, pushing aside him and walking back towards Rafa's room.

She didn't want him to be right; but she knew he was.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Olivia stormed back into Rafael's room, angrily slamming the door behind her.

"The NERVE on that son of a bitch…" She muttered under her breath, staring out the window. If he knew what was good for him he would NOT push this right now, she was a woman on the edge.

"Whoa whoa, I wouldn't wanna be on the end of that Olivia rage….what happened?" Rafa said half laughing, half concerned.

She took a breath and walked back over to his bed, returning to his embrace. Here she felt safe, she felt loved. There was no way Dodds was taking this from her.

"Dodds; he….he said I needed to end it with you," She said softly, playing with his arm hair nonchalantly.

"And…?" She felt him tense up, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She turned her face up to look him in the eyes.

"And I told him to go to hell," She smiled, kissing him again. His lips on hers, it's like they were made to fit together. She wondered how it had taken her so long to get here; too long.

"Did you really though, Liv? That memo was pretty harsh, I don't want you to actually lose your job, especially over me," He ran his hands through her hair, clearly concerned about her.

"Rafael, I have fought too long and too hard for some asshole to just come in and dictate my life. If he REALLY wants my head on a plate, he'll have to strike me down pretty damn hard. And he can take my job, but I'll be DAMNED if he takes you away from me. I…." She had never fully said the words out loud to a man before. Well, she had to Brian, but it was right after breaking up with him so she wasn't sure that really counted.

"...I know. Me too," Barba gave her a knowing smile; he truly did know her.

"Well, why don't we watch some TV? Forget about the real world for a while?" She asked, grabbing the remote.

"Sounds lovely," He smiled, and she snuggled closer into him, just as they had the night before. And before they knew it, they had fallen asleep in each other's arms once again.

"Ahem….ma'am? Ma'am?" Olivia felt someone shaking her awake. She turned to see a nurse, smiling nervously at her.

"Oh! Um, sorry are visiting hours over?" She apologized getting out of the bed. As she did so, it stirred Rafael awake.

"No um, actually we thought you two looked so adorable we let you sleep through the night, I'm here to take Mr. Barba's vitals," She said apologetically, like she hated to bother them.

"Oh….OH. Oh my god, what time is it?" Olivia suddenly realized what she had done.

"5 am ma'am,"

SHIT.

"Oh my, oh my god…..Rafa I-"

"I'm so sorry Liv I should've set an alarm. Go, go to Noah. I'll be fine,"

"Okay, Okay I'm going! I'm gone!" she dashed around the room grabbing her coat and her phone- 25 missed calls. SHIT.

"Okay, I'm….I'm going now, I'll be back later, I promise," She ran back over to his bedside and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

"Okay, love you," Rafael quickly let the words catch in his mouth; he hadn't meant to say it, it just came out like a reflex. He waited for her to freak out, or frown, or run away screaming- but she didn't. She just smiled sweetly back and replied:

"Love you too Rafa,"

And with that she was gone out the door, dialing Lucy as she ran. But in her mind, she was thinking:

"Did that really just happen?!"

-Olivia's Apartment-

Olivia ran up the stairs, throwing her front door open where Lucy and Noah were waiting.

"Mommy! You're okay!" Noah threw his arms around her.

"I'm sorry, I tried to keep him calm but I-I didn't know where you were, or if something happened I-"

"No, no it's fine. I'M sorry, Rafael got shot, and I went to the hospital and we just….I fell asleep up there and-"

"Seriously? Olivia, listen it's fine if I have to stay with Noah overnight, but I'd like to know beforehand if possible, i slept in my clothes on your couch!" Lucy sighed, clearly annoyed.

"I know, I know I am so sorry! Listen you can take off, and I'll double your salary for last night for the inconvenience, okay?" Liv asked, grabbing Noah's school stuff so they could head out the door.

"Yeah, that's...that's really nice of you, Olivia. Thank you. And it wasn't a HUGE deal...just don't make it a regular thing, cool?" Lucy smiled grabbing her own jacket and purse to leave.

"Yeah, no no it won't happen again!" Olivia assured her as they all walked down the stairs and back out into the street. Olivia and Noah turned one way, while Lucy headed in the other direction.

"Oh hey, Olivia!" Lucy called to her, Olivia turned to face her:

"Yeah?"

"For the record, I'm glad Rafael finally told you, he's been in love with you forever!" She giggled, heading back towards her car.

"So I've heard!" Olivia shook her head, walking to keep up with Noah.

So I've heard….

-The Office-

After taking Noah to school, Olivia had gone home to shower so she was a little later to than the office than she normally was, and needless to say people noticed.

"Oliva Benson! Don't you know that when you don't answer your phone, you don't check in, we have reason to think something bad has happened to you?!" Fin almost screamed, throwing his arms around her tightly.

"Oof! Fin! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I-I went to the hospital and then I….fell asleep, with Rafael," She sighed, Carisi and Amanda approaching the conversation.

"Two nights in a row, eh captain? Barba must be quite the snuggler!" Carisi laughed, and Olivia shot daggers at Fin.

"You TOLD them?!" She hissed, her face turning flush.

"Hey! I was trying to keep morale up with some juicy gossip, while you were MIA with your boy toy!" Fin defended, Carisi and Rollins laughing.

"Shut up! He is NOT…." She noticed Dodds, along with a pack of suits heading into the squad room.

"...My boy toy," She finished in a hushed tone, nodding towards the group. All of their faces fell.

Well, it was never a boring day at SVU….

They just sat in the interrogation room, for hours that day. Just sat in there, discussing god knows what. Or maybe they were just observing, just waiting for her to screw up. The entire idea of it all made her that much more uneasy, unfocused on their case at hand.

"Hey, Sergeant," Carisi called, knocking her from her death stare towards the room.

"Yeah, Carisi what's up?"

"You know, we've got this handled right now, why don't you head over to the hospital? I'm sure Barba could use some real food for lunch," He smiled.

"I…I don't know if that's such a great idea, with 'big brother' hanging around here,"

"Look, we've actually got all of this handled Liv, we don't need you to sit here and hover like a helicopter mom. It makes us uneasy; so WE are asking you to leave. And if anyone asks, that's exactly what we'll say," Fin said emphatically, Rollins and Carisi nodded in agreement.

"Well, I guess—if you guys really don't want me around….lunch would be good," Olivia smiled, shooting them all a thankful smile.

"Call me if the Calvary starts marching for my head," She chortled, nodding to the still closed door meeting.

"Don't worry, I'll be sure to accept the position with as much humility as possible," Fin teased. She laughed, but a knot twisted in her stomach.

She really hoped that was a joke.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch 7

Author's Note: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I know I've been MIA, and to make up for it here is a back to the basics chapter, songfic fluff time! I have two VERY specific reasons I picked this song, see if you can guess both! [One is pretty obvious, I wrote it that way lulz 😉]

If you don't have anyone to spend today with, [ LIKE ME!] spend it with Barson! 3

Now, ONWARD!

 **Chapter 7**

Olivia arrived to Rafael's room in the hospital just in time to see him being wheeled out with his arm in a cast and sling.

"Rafa! They're…they're letting you go home already?"

"Yup! Doctor's cleared me after you left," He smiled, eager to get out of this depressing place.

"I mean, you JUST got shot. Are you sure…?" She asked, directing her gaze towards the nurse.

"Olivia, come on I'm—" Barba hated being patronized to.

"He's fine, Ms. Benson," She assured her. "The bullet wound was completely clean, didn't hit any major bones or arteries; we stitched him up and he should be fine to heal at home! Although, he probably should stay with someone while he heals…" She went on, giving her a knowing look.

"Right! Yes, of course. I guess you're bunking with me for a few days then," She smiled, as they all walked into the elevator and headed into the lobby.

"Really, Liv? It's such short notice, you have Noah and everything…" Raff started to protest.

"ACTUALLY, this works out great. Noah's going to a sleep away camp for his school this weekend!" Olivia went through her phone calendar, beaming with glee. How lucky was THAT?

"Liv you don't have to—" Raff still tried objecting, not wanting her to get in anymore trouble.

"Rafael, you're coming home with me; that's an order," Olivia gripped the sides of his wheelchair, inches away from his face.

"…Yes ma'am," He grinned, glancing down at her lips. He glanced around, noticing the nurse had left and the cab driver was on his phone. Feeling safe, he gripped her face and pulled her into a tight kiss. They both pulled away after what seemed like forever, breathless and smiling.

"Come on soldier," She giggled, helping him into the car.

 _ **-Olivia's apartment—**_

Olivia held Rafael's free hand, opening the door with her free one and guiding him inside towards the couch.

"Okay, so you're gonna need clothes, right? Are you going back to work right away? Do you need suits, casual, PJ's…?" She immediately began rattling off a list, going into "mom" mode. While she spoke a mile a minute, Rafael sighed and patted the seat next to him.

"Olivia, please. I'm a wounded man, I need comfort. We can worry about that later," He pleaded, using those famous puppy dog eyes. Olivia sighed in return, plopping down next to him and sinking down into his chest like she was so accustomed to now. He kissed her forehead and smiled happily.

"I could stay here forever," He whispered, glancing out her window.

"…But we can't," Olivia whispered back, tears in her voice. She thought about what was waiting back for her at the office, if only they could just stay here in their cocoon.

"….Did I ever tell you I wanted to be an actor as a kid?"

Olivia raised her head to look at Rafael's eyebrows raised in a smile.

"I…what? Where did that come from?"

"I did. All through high school, I was in plays and musicals. It's originally why I moved to Manhattan," He confessed, twirling his thumbs nervously.

"Wh-Why….then why become an ADA?" She was still a bit in shock. How had she never known this?

"Why else? Money. There's no money in being a starving actor, ESPECIALLY in New York. It's all this work, for little to no pay off. I thought if I'm gonna work that hard, I want a guaranteed paycheck," He chuckled, now staring at the ground.

"…Do you miss it?" She asked. He turned his head to face her, his eyes glistened with tears.

"I didn't, until I met you," he smiled. "You reminded me what it felt like to be excited about something, passionate. Eager to come to work every day…I haven't felt that way about being an ADA in….quite a while," He admitted shamefully.

"So, why are you telling me this?"

"Well, I've….never told anyone that before. It's something I'm really ashamed of, but with you—I feel safe. And you've done so much for me over the years and this week, it's beyond my wildest expectations. I wanted to somehow, someway….pay you back. And based on your music choice the other night….I thought you'd enjoy this. I hope, you enjoy this.," Rafael smiled, pulling out his phone and opening Spotify. Softly, the song filled the living room, and Olivia's breath left her. Was he…Oh my god, was he really going to…? And as if on cue, she heard the faintest voice begin to sing along:

 _No more talk of darkness,_

 _Forget these wide-eyed fears;_

 _I'm here, nothing can harm you,_

 _My words will warm and calm you._

 _Let me be your freedom,_

 _Let daylight dry your tears;_

 _I'm here, with you, beside you,_

 _To guard you and to guide you._

The words hit her so hard she felt as if she might burst into tears; she felt a few stray down her cheeks. It's as if Rafael knew what was in her head, what she needed to hear. And his voice, his voice was amazing. How had he given this up? Gulping audibly, she looked up at him and prayed to GOD he wouldn't run away screaming from her lack of talent:

 _Say you love me every waking moment,_

 _Turn my head with talk of summertime._

 _Say you need me with you now and always;_

 _Promise me that all you say is true,_

 _That's all I ask of you._

Now it was Rafael's turn to look surprised, but to her relief not horrified. He had never guessed she'd just go along with this silly act, but she jumped in right beside him, no questions asked. And her voice, it sounded so raw, so real. He knew they both were speaking truth.

 _Let me be your shelter,_

 _Let me be your light;_

 _You're safe, no one will find you,_

 _Your fears are far behind you._

He wanted so badly for her to believe him, to believe it himself. He wanted to protect her from everyone and everything. Dodds, Rapists, Crazy grandmothers, all of it. Even if she didn't need protecting, which he knew she didn't. Still; he had an ongoing need to protect her, even if it was just in this room for a few minutes.

 _All I want is freedom,_

 _A world with no more night;_

 _And you, always beside me,_

 _To hold me and to hide me._

She snuggled closer into him, gripping his embrace tighter around her. She never felt like she needed protection, she'd always taken care of herself. She was good at it, she liked it. She had gotten used to the fact that it was just the way it was; and then she met Rafael. She sat in his arms, just like this and from the moment it happened; she felt safe. She felt safer than she'd ever felt before. She didn't ever want to give that up, not ever.

 _Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;_

 _Let me lead you from your solitude._

 _Say you need me with you, here beside you,_

 _Anywhere you go, let me go too,_

Rafael turned her head up to face him again, as he sung the last line right into her eyes.

 _Olivia, that's all I ask of you._

She couldn't believe he was getting her to sing Phantom in her own living room, but also, she couldn't help but enjoy it. The outlandish romanticism of it all was so out of her wheelhouse but for some reason, felt so natural and comfortable with him.

 _Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;_

 _Say the word and I will follow you._

 _Share each day with me,_

 _Each night, each morning._

Olivia gulped and sang the last part into his chest ever so softly, scared to say the words out loud:

 _Say you love me!_

He smiled, kissed her head and whispered back:

 _You know I do._

She looked up at him, tears now streaming down her face in happiness, relief and pure love as they sang the last lines in awkward harmony:

 _Anywhere you go, let me go too_

 _Love me, that's all I ask of you._

The music swelled and as if on a Broadway stage, they embraced in a powerful kiss. After a few minutes of a high school make out session to "Cell Block Tango", Olivia pulled away gently, both of them out of breath.

"I um, I better get back to the office. I was just taking a lunch," She grabbed a compact from her purse and began smoothing her hair back and dabbing her eyeliner.

"Yeah, probably. Do you want me to go?" Raff asked, fixing his own hair.

"I don't know, Dodds and his suits are camped out in a squad room like vultures,"

"Okay, that's it. I'm coming," Barba began looking for the bag he brought from the hospital, his mother had brought it to him against his will. It had at least one suit, he knew that much.

"Rafael, I don't need you to protect me," She scoffed.

"I know you don't NEED me to, doesn't mean I won't. That's how this works," He explained, gesturing back and forth between them. This. Them. They were a this.

"Yeah but—" Olivia protested.

"Olivia, I'm coming with you. That's an order,"

"Yes sir," She cheekily grinned, amused at his playback of her at the hospital.

Barba and Benson: Bring it on, Dodds.


End file.
